I played Doom: The Dark Ages for lore and only got bloody vibes

Heading into Doom: The Dark Ages, I thought the game being a prequel to the 2016 series reboot would make a good entry point for the series. Despite enjoying high-octane first-person shooters, Doom and its 2020 sequel Doom Eternal somehow never landed on my radar (although I will defend the so-awful-it’s-good 2005 film and its first-person-shooter sequence). So I entered The Dark Ages, something of an origin story for the Doom guy and his crusade against the forces of Hell, ready to gorge the lore and push through the series.

After completing its roughly 10-hour, 22-chapter campaign, I can definitively say: That shit doesn’t make any sense. And it doesn’t matter. We got demons to kill.

The Dark Ages casts you as the Slayer, a remarkable soldier who’s so much better at murdering demons than any of the human rabble you come across. Why is he the best demon murderer? Shh, demons to kill.

Doomguy is kept in reserve by some sort of alien group called the Maykrs (a tragedeigh pronounced like “makers”), chilling in a ship floating above the human-versus-demon battlefields. He’s almost like The Winter Soldier in that he’s kept as something of a prisoner in between being called upon for demon-slaying missions.

In the early parts of the story, before he breaks free, he’s basically loaned out to techno-medieval humans as they battle against hordes of demons from Hell. Or are they aliens? Is this game set on Earth? Dude, there are demons to shotgun in the face.

While on loan, Doomguy shows up everyone incapable of killing demons by slaying hundreds upon hundreds of them himself, sometimes just by jumping from really high up (so cool). He fights with some human kingdom in its quest to keep some MacGuffin away from some Big Bad Demon. The story takes the Slayer to Hell and also to an alien planet… maybe. Who really knows? You’ll be too busy parrying attacks with the chainsaw shield or piloting a mech suit to care.

Its story won’t be receiving any honors come awards season, but Doom: The Dark Ages’ gameplay might. Parrying attacks and an emphasis on melee add welcome variety to the ways the Doom Slayer battles enemies, and by the end of the game, as you’ve upgraded his arsenal, you’ll truly feel like an unstoppable demon-killing machine, swapping between from the skullcrusher to the accelerator to more depending on what the situation calls for. Once the BFC — big fucking crossbow — winds up in your hands, it’s truly lights out for the demons.

Though its plot may not matter (or make a lick of sense), by the end of The Dark Ages, you’ll at least understand the fear Doomguy instills in demons after you slaughter who knows how many of them, including their leader. Doomguy’s taken over the Maykr ship, now seemingly his base of operations for his demon-slaying exploits. He’s the demons’ nightmare, their eternal enemy, their John Wick after his puppy was killed. He’s unrelenting in his quest to rid the cosmos of demons. Why again does he need to kill demons?

Hey man, just enjoy that sweet, sweet chainsaw shield.